Exactly a year ago, I had a vision
of what my life was to become. Marching with thousands of people, chanting the
very things which they clamored for, I slowly lost what it was that defined
myself. I lost what I identified as my strongest driving force. At that day,
May 1, 2011, I lost my ambition.
The heat of the unforgiving Sun
punished me as I took every step. However, I was driven to continue marching
on. For at that moment, I had with me the very force which I once knew as the
key to my eventual success. However, during that day, I refused to stand out in
the crowd. I chose to be among them. I chose to be one of them. We were individuals
counting ourselves as members of a single, united and cohesive body clamoring
for their basic needs. We were all after the breaking of the chains that bound
us so heavily.
I was born that day. May 1, 2011.
As weeks and months went on, I
changed and developed as a different kind of leader. No longer did I act based
on personal agenda. Finally, after years of pursuing my own personal
development, I learned to set myself aside and actually pursued for the common
good. As an effect, I greatly embraced the belief system and learned to draw
the sharpest line. Slowly I was able to see the world in a different light. In
my new perspective of things, I saw and understood everyday phenomena through
the lenses of budding revolutionary. As a leader, I became much more. I was me.
Yet, I wouldn’t be me if I did not embrace the collective and the beliefs of
the revolution. I knew in my heart what it meant when we say, “Pagsilbihan ang
Sambayanan.”
As the first half of my term took
its course, it wasn’t the smoothest of journeys. Problems with people and efficiency
emerged. Slowly I was beginning to doubt the effectiveness of our leadership
methods. I lost time for myself and at times, I’ve learned to disregard myself.
Everything we did was for the people. We serve the people.
As I became tired and unhappy, I
flirted with the idea of quitting and finally letting go. Though I have
convinced myself fully that I was to commit to my new vision and belief system,
there was a small part of me that begged to disagree. Right before the very
moment that I was about to forward my letter of resignation, someone and
something happened.
Things ran smoothly after. I have
grown to love and bask under the light of my new found inspiration. However,
like every drug that brings elation, I have become accustomed to the regular
doses of my new addiction. For months I was able to do what I had to with joy
and happiness. Only to be brought down at the most crucial moment. In one fell
swoop, I lost the very foundation that once held me. Caught in the darkness of
my own abyss, I decided to extinguish the small flame that brought light in
darkness. I wanted to completely turn around and let go.
Election to a higher office was no
longer an option for me. I have decided to return to my old life and pursue my
own interests and reestablish myself. The bitter taste of humiliation and
defeat led me to the realization that perhaps, the road that I once took was
not for me. However, I knew deep inside that it deserved another shot. This
time, I start clean. I start and end with a new beginning. If I were to stand
up again, I knew I had to go through this for one last time. Just so that I can
prove to myself that sometimes, though you may feel that you’ve lost
everything, there is much to gain in a battle that you risk whatever’s left. And
that defeat would mean that you would lose more and leave you nothing.
I took my last dance and brought my
mind but not my heart. And as fallen champions ridden by old age fight, I gave
the best that I could. I gave the strongest of punches and took the most
painful of blows. However, in the end, we all faced a similar tragedy. I gave a
good fight and I came up short in the end. I came out as a loser but I was
never a defeated man. I just knew at that time that that will no longer be the
road that I have to take.
My sudden disappearance was much
needed. I needed time to think and reassess my life. Stepping back meant
observing what has happened. What was lost and more importantly, what I gained.
At the end of it all I had a realization. I was never truly happy. I simply
learned to laugh, smile and enjoy life again when I decided to let things go.
And now, I laugh, I love, I smile and more importantly, I live.
Today is May 1, 2012. Today is the
day that I’ve decided to finally let things go. Today is the day I start living
again.
